Connecting the Loss of my Beloved Dog with Weight Gain

Last fall my dog Dozer was diagnosed with bone cancer.  

I will never forget that day, it was a Wednesday. The veterinarian walked into the room and her face confirmed what my heart knew before she even said a word. 

As we discussed the options of amputation and pain management, I felt a crushing weight on my chest like an anvil. I struggled to deal with the devastating news and the choices that had to be made, time being of the essence due to the aggressive nature of the cancer in his shoulder. 

Dozer is a black lab/Rottweiler mix and weighs 110 lbs. Amputation for large dogs can be challenging, he also recently recovered from a cancerous tumor in his paw. 

For several days I sat with the shock of the diagnosis, and considered his quality of life.  Intuitively I knew what the correct action for him was,
so reluctantly and with a heavy heart, I made the decision not to amputate. 

I chose to manage his pain with medication and Chinese herbs to lessen the negative effects of the medicine. I embraced every moment I had with him. He had a few good weeks then his condition progressed quickly. It was time to say goodbye and release him. Since then I have been grieving the loss of my dear companion.  The connection we shared was important to me and learning to live without him by my side is extremely hard. He was with me through 8 years of difficult and amazing life experiences. At times I wondered if I made the best choice for him. I have caught myself fantasizing about what might have been if I did opt to amputate. I also thought about the pain he experienced in his final month. 

I put on weight after the loss of my sweet boy, and subsequently I have been frustrated and perplexed why it has been so difficult to lose. I tried all my go-to ways to release the few extra pounds that an Alaskan winter can prompt, with no success.  

As the anniversary of his passing grows near, 
I am beginning to connect these seemingly separate occurrences.

 I see now, what weighs on me literally and figuratively. 

The decisions I made to opt out of the surgery and euthanize him to end his suffering were difficult. The extra pounds I carry are the physical manifestation of grief and guilt. Grief I understand, guilt however is more complex to unpack. 

 Guilty is described in the dictionary to mean “culpable of or responsible for a specified wrong doing.” This is it, this is what has weighed me down. I feel guilty for the choices I made and the pain he experienced because of them. 

 Guilt is the blindfold I have worn,
it has blocked me from seeing the full picture. 

I see now, forgiving myself and accepting the choices made are part of my healing journey. I honor Dozer’s life and all the growth and love we shared and the truth is, the choices made did not weigh me down, this experience expanded my heart exponentially! 

 This awareness is my precious Dozer’s parting gift and I receive it whole-heartedly.